招生官:这种文书我第一次见——智友告诉你什么叫优秀的创新​

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小智今天带大家深入分析一篇极富创新性的申请文书,相信大家看过后绝对会惊叹,OMG,原来文书还可以这么写?!

开始前,小智先和大家讨论一个问题,

对于文书,什么最重要?

能给招生官留下印象最重要!智友之前的学子曾问过自己的教授为什么录取了自己,教授玩笑说,因为你在文书里提到了Beyonce,我也特别喜欢,让我记住了你。试想繁忙的申请季,教授每天都是走马观花读了100篇文书的状态,有点类似于我们国家高考语文的阅卷,能给教授留下印象的文书却寥寥无几。

所以,一切的源头始于让教授记住你!在此基础上,才轮到评审你是否真正优秀等。

当然,创新≠故弄玄虚,让人记住你≠哗众取宠。那么,这篇文章到底好在哪儿,让小智来给你说道说道吧:

1

On November 2nd, 2035, the Global Finance magazine made an exclusive interview with Ms. Zheng, president of the Agricultural Development Bank of China. For years, Ms. Zheng has been devoting herself to the innovation of Chinese rural financial institutions. Under her leadership, 500 million Chinese farmers have been lifted out of poverty over the past ten years, and the current situations in some rural areas of China have surpassed most of the Western developed countries. The following is the content of the interview:

(这段是文章的开头,相信同学们已经大概猜到了,整篇文章最大的创新点在于把PS写成了一篇采访稿,而且采访场景是申请者对十几年之后的自己的一个设想,非常具有新意。当教授看了一百篇说明文+记叙文的PS之后,突然看到我们这一篇文书,一定会心旷神怡~

同时,这个场景的预设,也完美的回答了文书中的一个重要话题——Career goal!我们大胆的帮申请者假想为中国农业发展银行行长,并且一直致力于中国农村金融机构的改革。再强调一下,Career goal是文书中非常非常重要的话题!)

2

Interviewer:

I am very happy to have a close contact with you, Ms. Zheng. I have interviewed a lot of successful people in financial field, so I want to ask Ms. Zheng, how do you define success?

Ms. Zheng:

It depends on what problems you have worked out. In China, agriculture is the primary industry. Although China has much more farmers than any other countries in the world, the commercial financial institutions have almost quit the rural market. Twenty years ago, my internship in Deloitte had a great influence on my career. During my internship, I did some research on credit issues in Chinese rural areas. I found that the credit amount was compressed a lot, and the repayment conditions were very harsh. Although there was a strong demand of the farmers for a more open agricultural financing environment to develop their production conditions, the banks restrained groups with lower credit worthiness in their eyes for profits. The farmers' production and development need funds, and this is the biggest problem for me. Solving the problem or not can judge my success.

Interviewer:

So, your definition of success is to help people?

Ms. Zheng:

My definition of success is that you can solve the problems in some areas. Of course, this will certainly benefit a particular group of people. To help people is the ultimate goal, but first of all you need to solve the problem.

Interviewer:

You let the funds flow to where they are most needed.

Ms. Zheng:

Perhaps this is the real intention of finance. It doesn’t need much innovation in nature, and the approach of innovation is to let the money go where it is needed.

上文内容的用意在于解释为什么会有如此的Career goal,这个Career goal的社会价值在哪儿,也在借机阐述申请者自己对金融专业的理解同时,在问答中还自然引出了申请者在德勤实习的背景经历。不过篇幅上从采访稿的角度看正常,但从申请文书的角度看略显啰嗦。

(中间省去部分段落)

3

Interviewer:

So at present, what have you done to change the financial field of rural China?

Ms. Zheng:

We are extensively developing the agricultural insurance, and improving a sound system of agricultural insurance. We call on the government to set up agricultural risk fund, with the risk shared by the state, insurance companies, and farmers. Moreover, we’ve set up several policy-based insurance companies. The agricultural insurance is independent from traditional insurance. This is a very challenging move that involves many different organizations and groups.

文书不能有模板,但可以有套路。小智今天给大家讲一个套路,PAR原则。所谓PAR就是Problem—Action,—Result(就是说你发现了什么问题、采取了什么行动、得到了什么结果)的结构。大家仔细体会一下这篇文书上边的内容,围绕Career goal,事实上是采取了倒推PAR,也就是从R-A-P的顺序来开展的。例如,文章最开始就讲到了结果Result,就是申请者成为了中国农业发展银行行长。

(中间省去部分段落)

4

Interviewer:

I wish you success. Are there any secrets in your success?

Ms. Zheng:

It’s Passion! You should be passionate about what you do. And in the process, you need to find solution to every problem constantly. At the same time, you should have a good team… (此处陈述了自己在某个组织当中担任leader,带领团队克服困难解决问题达到目标的事例)

Interviewer:

It seems that you have very good problem-solving experiences at school. People are all interested in the experiences when you were a student, can you tell us another story?

Ms. Zheng:

I can tell some of my experience in Deloitte… (此处介绍了德勤实习期间的一段具体项目经历) 

万变不离其宗,要时刻谨记这是一篇留学申请文书,而不是真正的采访稿。所以,文书当中一些承载重要价值的内容是一定要体现的,例如上文中对于文商科学生而言重要的领导力话题,和无论对于理工文商的学生都重要的解决问题的能力、团队精神等等。

(中间省去部分段落)

5

Interviewer:

I’ve heard that you contributed 500 million dollars to the Carroll School of Management, Boston College last year, which was the biggest alumni donation in amount Boston College has received in the last 10 years. 

Ms. Zheng:

Yes, the donation is to represent my gratitude to Carroll and Dr. Ronnie Sadka. And I believe this educational experience can not be equated with the help that Carroll School of Management offered to me and the improvement I got in my horizon and professional skills.

Interviewer:

I wish you more success in the future.

Ms. Zheng:

Thank you!

(完)

这里也是文章内容上的两个最大亮点!

1,我们帮申请者大胆设想了未来作为BC校友,会给学校捐赠5亿。大家可以多了解一下美国高校的校友捐赠文化,体会一下美国的高校会对自己的毕业生有什么样的期待,要知道很多高校的一大部分经费来源是靠校友捐赠。当然,这个写法只适用于这篇文章。

2,文书当中,相信很多同学都会谈一谈,Why school,向学校表表忠心,“拍拍马屁”。我们在文章结尾处简短而巧妙的向BC表了忠心。对了,Dr. Ronnie Sadka是BC商学院的院长。

没错!文书就是能这么写!

这就是一篇智友的顾问为我们自己的学子精心构思和雕琢的文书。我们想说,文书没有做不到,只有想不到。只有在智友,你才会遇到这么全身心投入的顾问,只有智友的顾问,才会如此呕心沥血帮助大家创作文书!

小智还想强调,这位学生的GPA是3.3,并不算非常高,但我们仍然竭尽所能帮学生冲刺到了名校!智友,就是这么认真。

还想看更多文书经验和技巧?请大家转发文章,对我们给予鼓励吧!


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